The darkness of Halloween

It’s strange. Every year, I forget how much I hate Halloween until I start experiencing a cascade of shitty stuff until it finally hits me that it is Halloween month, and that never goes well for me.

Despite having inflatable Halloween blow ups in my front yard beginning October 1st (my spouse does this for our kids), I sort of dissociate that it is Halloween and that I don’t like Halloween and that it is usually a dark time for me. It takes me until about the week before Halloween to realize the darkness of Halloween is here.

Even with the constant reminder of Halloween staring me in the face, it takes imaginary messages from the devil penetrating me to understand the chaos and fear going on in my system this time of year.

I know many parts absolutely believe in these messages from the devil, but I want to say I do not, without being mean about their beliefs.

I don’t have the answer as to why parts of me feel with certainty the devil is sending messages to them through an inanimate object in my therapist’s office that looks like the face of the devil to them.

They are terrified. I just see a piece of metal that kind of looks like a scary face, but they see and feel the devil.

I try to focus on living a normal life, and fight to keep from being consumed with ideas that the devil is coming for us.

I hate the people who have scrambled my brain, body, and soul like this.

Instead of enjoying the candy and Halloween costumes of my kids, I focus on just getting through alive.

I don’t even know what all these scary feeling are about. I don’t know that I will ever know.

My brain still protects me from the madness of my childhood.

No matter how sane I try to create my life, madness will always be with me, as I am madness.

3 thoughts on “The darkness of Halloween

  1. You(s) are not madness. What happened is madness. This sounds like a majorly triggering time of the year (totally get that). Might be a good time to take out those self-soothing skills. You deserve to feel safe. ❤️


  2. I have the halloween issue and my b day is the 7th of the month although my mother never let me have my birthday till the 31st. It was important for her to feel she was special caus she had a halloween baby and my sister was a 4th of july baby! I was 21 before knew I was born on oct 7th instead- I felt it added to the fact I didn’t exsist – she exsisted in place of me all about her! She isvery wounded and but as a child I did nt know that of course – they say BPD and DID which carries BPD and was a way for them not fully diagnose DID and cover it up, I feel state we don’t like scary faces. Perhaps is some way it triggers the scary faces and witches of our trauma and abuse. As children we percieve and it embedds. Our blue print of self is formed from ages 0 to 5 so in abuse we saw scary and evil things, Halloween is alll about that for sure! It is triggering -do you use the container method ? a bad thought goes in the contianer to talk about later ? it really works once you get the process down? 971 272 6118 would love to talk sometime, 45 years of never beig diagnosed, and yet reachng for help and no one help me as you described- finally got the real underlyig problem and diagnoses makeing huge strides to figure out a healing plan and it is a shock – I am too high functioning and I never expected this – my parts are just now meeting each other and I am in grief over the effects of trauma and abuse to the human sole – I can’t beleive the system is in such denial – starting a foundation PEARL call me – my brother also commited suicide at age 33 from I am sure DID never diagnosed – amazing story here on this end – love to tell it and I am thinking about a class action lawsuit to wake this country up around the entire scope of DID Its worse then aids was and the re-vicimization trying to get healed or help or to much to explain just call if you want to hear – thanks be well – pryaing for you Sheila Keller


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s